5 years gone

Looking down my fingers burnt
gasping, my lungs are shot
down my arm,long winding tracks
on the table,stem ...still hot
memories of the sound of the spoon
the hissing ,sizzle and pop
aroma burnt into my brain
my rig filled to the top
chor-boy,blackened spoons
eyes sunken and red
in the mirror death i see
as I overdosed that night in my bed
memories of my past
scarred into my mind
inspiration to be better
I am now of a different kind

the here and now

Life is good like a flower in bloom

Taking deep breaths ..smelling the perfume

And what seems like heaven falls into your lap

But beware for the great is often a trap

Happiness abounds ..all sorrow is gone

Talking all night until the break of dawn

Like a feather resting on the edge of a blade

This delicate life is only what its made

Mistakes drawn long ….hard on the soul

myself to blame for a life in this hole

Have nothing to offer..no cash to spend

other than to be your unwavering friend

Giving everything you can muster from deep down inside

They give nothing in return …except your butchered pride

Wanting ..needing ….yet they turn their back

fissures appear from what was once a small crack

The kind gestures become lost …soon forgotten

Anger wells up …become… bitter ..and rotten

For these are trying times for the true real men

Soul becomes numb like an opium den

bounties always go to the least deserving

So much for the good deeds of the kind and the serving

Like the saying goes ..the nice finish last

especially one with my kind of past

So I lock myself away in a cold dark room

And wait for the next flower to bloom

me and my shadow ( part 3 )

If you havnt read from the beginning ...go down to part one ...Ok. Lately Ive had a tough time getting into the flow of writing about some of these dark times Ive had in my life. My friend Bridgett sent me the blind melon video "change". The lead singer Shannon Hoon was a good friend of mine since high school and he died of an overdose. To see him in the video really brought me back to a place I needed to be to write.(his video is on my page on the left). Actually it was with Shannon that I did my first line of cocaine back in 1995.The party that night turned into a 5 day spree of eating lsd and mushrooms while on a roadtrip from Indiana to Wisconsin just so Shannon could stop at every antique store along the way. I think he ended up spending about $12000 and had to rent a U-haul just to get all his antiques home. The town Im from (Lafayette) may be small but it has produced rock stars such as Axl Rose (aka Bill Baily), Izzy stradlin (aka Jeff Isbell) of guns and roses ,recent American idol finalist (Amanda Overmyer) and Shannon Hoon (blind melon) who in my opinion was by far the most talented of this group. Shannon had hired me and his cousin Brandon (one of my best bros) to become roadies. I was gonna have the job of tuning his guitars onstage prior to his concerts. Just before I was to start Shannon died of an overdose of heroin mixed with cocaine on his tour bus on Oct 21st,1995. A month before his 27th birthday. Who knows where Id be if he hadnt died. Rest in peace Shannon Hoon..............................Ok back to my story................................................................................................About a month had gone by since that first eventfull night of smoking rock. Since that time I had started trying to evaluate my situation in many ways. No matter how I looked at it I just could not see a silver lining. I tried hard to find a reason not to plunge head first into drug addiction and alcoholism but...nothing. I had since , to their dismay told the physical rehabilitation people that I had enough of their torture and promptly told them to shove it . My savings was fading fast so I sold my truck and all of my tools. This was a tough pill to swallow for me because it was the last link I had to my "old life". With these tools I had built a life for my family through alot of hard work , blood , sweat and tears. My hands had lost the callused rough exterior and were growing ever softer. My mind was growing weak from the constant worry and rage. By this time I was often planning just how I was gonna deal with the dickweed who hit me with his car. Jenn was still there for me and as always my rock but I started to wonder if I was worthy of her love. After all , what could I possibly give her? I was a cripple and she my nurse. She had asked me to move in with her . I was spending 2 or 3 nights a week there already so I said ok. With Jenns help I started to master her stairs with my walker. I would go up backwards using the back two legs of the walker to push off and hop off my good leg .It would wear me out but the thought of getting into bed next to a beautiful naked Jenn was plenty of incentive.Yes, wewere finally able to have very gentle sex together. Sometimes it hurt my hip alot but I would never admit it. Looking into Jenns beautiful eyes made it well worth it. Not everything was great with us though. I had recently been introduced to a coke middle man named Brian. I started spending 2 to 3 nights a week at his house.This didnt make her very happy.Brians house was an eclectic mix of unusual characters, hard core addicts , strippers and the occasional drunk wanting a wake up . Brian would get them the drugs and pinch some ,then charge them extra to get more dope for himself. Night after night I would meet these bizarre people with strange and demented ideas of how life should be lived. Most seemed to have given up on any hope for a better life and looked at life as a junky old car that nobody would buy.....might as well run the shit out of it until its totaled. I started to fit right in with this mentality. My old life was over . Time to live life with reckless abandon. I had done the good citizen routine and got screwed so it was time to get evil. Brian and I had many things in common and had become great friends. We would spend the evenings in his back room doing massive bong hits from a custom built bong known affectionetely as Mr. Greenjeans. I would usually have an 8 ball and Brian would usually match whatever I smoked. We would spend the evening laughing at these people who would do tiny hit after tiny hit thinking that it would make the dope go farther. We had a different way of thinking. We would do $20 to $40 hits and be so high from them that we couldnt even think about doing another for 15 to 20 minutes. We were conesuers of cocaine. We discussed the differences between ether based coke(yellowish) vs. acetone based(white or clear). The ether base was more of a body buzz while acetone (my favorite) was much speedier. We experimented with different ways of cooking and experimented with different types of smoking devices.(none compared to a big bong blast). Sometimes we would invite the tiny hit people back to give them a real hit. After the hit we would slide a chair under their butts as their legs would tremble and buckle. We would laugh hysterically as they would make a funny weezing , whimpering sound as they exhaled and fell back into the chair. We figured if your gonna spend this much money on something you might as well enjoy it to the fullest. A month or so went by and Brians main connection had become unreliable. Brian was no longer making much profit(buzz) and I was growing tired of not getting what I wanted when I wanted it. By this time I was starting to feel the first signs of addiction. I was more reckless than before and was growing comfortable dealing with these people. I had decided to take matters into my own hands. I had grown up with a mexican guy who used to sell me weed from time to time and I knew he also dealt coke ,so I gave him a call for a couple of 8 balls. To my amazement it was bigger,better and cheaper than anything Brian was getting. Pretty soon my cell phone was ringing off the hook. I was now the middle man and all those people now called me. I was making at least an 8 ball a day in profit so I no longer was spending my own money. Then after one especially busy day I call my mexican friend Juan once again. I tell him I need another 8 ball and probably would need 2 more later when the bars closed. I asked him if he could front me the 2 so I wouldnt have to make so many trips. He informs me to go to the Payless (grocery store) parking lot and wait. I pull in and waited my usual 15 minutes and my friend pulls in next to me. I notice this time he was not alone. A short ,stocky ,well dressed mexican wearing a ton of gold gets out and jumps in my passenger side seat...."you Crees?" he asked ."Y-Yeah" I stuttered . He then shoves a Mcdonalds sack under my seat and as hes getting out says in a scarface sounding way... "jou pay me soon..OK?" ..."no problem" I said and away I went. I wasnt sure why Juan didnt give it to me as always. I didnt like that . It made me nervous. Oh well ,I had the dope and now I needed a place to break it up. I had learned early on that you never let an addict know how much dope you have unless they are a good friend. I decided on my friend Michelles house .She was layed back ,quiet and on the way. I pulled into her driveway and grabbed the sack. I had to hurry so I had time to break it up and get Michelle high for using her house. Sitting down at the kitchen table I dump the contents of the sack in front of me. Holy Shit!!!!...........I couldnt believe my eyes.....instead of 3 small 8 balls of semi cut dope, in front of me there were 4 ounces of true beautiful peruvian flake. I asked for 3 balls and now they give me 32 balls of the best peruvian ever? True peruvian flake looks like layers of ice on top of each other and in the light almost gives a rainbow effect. Great excitement and panic now swept through my mind all at once. Im just a small time middle man trying to stay high and now without trying ,Im now a full fledged dealer.....Holy shit!!!...What am I gonna do with all this dope?....I dont even know this guy and he tosses me thousands of dollars worth of mind blowing dope?....He didnt even tell me his name!......He didnt even say how much I owed him!....I was now in full panic mode.......Ok Chris calm down.........."Michelle" I said......"were gonna need a bigger spoon ",as I pushed away the teaspoon she had set in front of me. Michelle was now grinning from ear to ear as she handed me a huge sauce spoon. Away I went on the cooking. Instead of mixing it all together I had developed my own way of cooking. I would heat the coke and water and at the end I added the baking soda. To me it cooked more evenly and seemed quicker. The second I dropped the soda came a sizzle and hiss. The coke immediately puffed up like a tent over the entire spoon and I gently pressed it back down into the water. I heated it a llitle more and soon it became a huge slather of freebase as I cooled the spoon on an ice cube. I recently had purchased a clear glass steam roller from the local head shop. I packed a $30 peice on it and handed it to Michelle.My excitement grew as she made this ummmphhh sound and fell back in the chair behind her." Jack-Pot" she mumbled with a crooked grin. I quickly packed myself a huge one and hit it like a champ. The tube went white and then clear as I quickly popped the carb several times. As I exhaled, thick white smoke erupted from my lungs. ...Shewwwwwww was all I could say. I called dope that the only thing you could say is sheww after ..sheww dope. This was definitely shew dope. This dope was amazing! This stuff punched me in the gut as a huge speed buzz roared through my body. Goosebumps popped up as I sat there trembling. With a stunned look on my face ,I stared at these huge bags of coke in front of me......Ok theres no way in hell im driving across town with all this dope and no way in hell im taking it to Jenns...."Michelle...you gonna be up for a while?"..."hell yeah" she said with a still crooked grin. I payed her some dope to let me have the people I still owed dope too come over and get it. After they left Michelle and I did mind bending hit after mind bending hit until the sun came up the next day....I returned to Jenns house the next day and as soon as I opened the door she was standing there . She began asking me where I had been and what I had been doing. She could tell I was trashed but not from alcohol. Just as I was about to make up some stupid story that she would never buy ,my steam roller filled with chor boy falls through a hole in my pocket , down my leg , and out onto the floor. "Ummmm just hangin with some friends". I said. "Like who....Juan "? she asked in an evil tone......Now lets get one thing straight....youve all heard how sweet and caring jenn was but at the same time shes a very street smart chick. She had at one time been employed at one of our better local stripper bars and she was no dummy to the lifestyle. While she never got into drugs other than an occasional pain pill or xanax she had watched drugs destroy many of her friends lives....I lowered my head waiting for all hell to break loose but she never yelled. She just said that if you have to do it... it stays in the basement......What?.....dam !!! I almost proposed to her right there. She was just too good to me. Days came and went in a blur of coke smoking , half gallons of rum and handfuls of pain pills. I tried not to overdo the coke thing with her but she had started to not like me spending 10 hours a day in the basement getting high. I didnt like her seeing me do it. It made me feel dirty. I didnt like it but it was about all I could think about. To break the cycle of sitting in the basement she would invite her friend melissa over and I would invite my best bro jeff and we would make blender after blender of frozen rum drinks like margaritas and pina coladas. Towards the end of the night I would make an extra strong batch and toss in about 5 lortabs and 5 xanax. I called this mix my pina colornax. This was usually the last pitcher of the night for the girls. Usually after some wild, drunk sex the girls would pass out and it was pipe hitting time for the boys. By this time I was already neglecting my duties of getting rid of the stuff. Often I would turn my phone off and smoke away. Another couple of days had gone by and I knew it was time to get ahold of juan and give him what I had made so far. I needed to talk to him anyways about how much I was being charged. Previously I had been getting a quarter oz. for $250 . This meant I was paying $1000 for an ounce. Since I was getting so much more now I hoped I would get some kind of discount. At this time, 8 days later, I had sold two ounces for $2900 and smoked almost a whole other one. I was visibly shaking when I called Juan and asked him to come over. About an hour passed and there was a knock at the door. It was Juan and his well dressed friend. I had really hoped that Juan would come alone so I could explain that Id get the rest of the money together soon. I led them down to the basement and nervously smiled as they took a seat. The well dressed man asks" So jou got the cash Crees?""Well" I said..."Ive got some cash......how much do I owe you?".........By this time visions of my dead bloated body floating in a river ran through my mind. The well dressed man says in a pissed tone " Six an Oz.... Jou owe me $2400".......Oh Fuck!!!. I thought to myself....I couldnt believe how cheap this was. I could tell Juan wasnt very happy about losing my business But I got the vibe that he wasnt gonna say shit. This guy was big time. I was so happy about the price. I quickly peeled off $2400 to him and tossed another hundred to Juan To cheer him up. Smiling now, the well dressed man introduces himself as Chuco . He tells me He has alot of coke and weed and needs guys trustworthy to start moving it. He then sets down a brown paper bag with 4 more ounces in it. "Is it the same as before " I asked. Yes he says and then asks me how good I was at cooking. Most addicts think they are the best at cooking dope but I knew I was better than most. Chuco stands up,hands me his phone number,and drops 3 more 8- balls on the table and says to test them and tell him wich one I liked best. He informs me that these are the new batches and whatever I liked best he would keep enough around for me. Each one had a number on it in black marker. After they walked out I sat there stunned. I thought I was gonna get killed and instead Ive got $400 in my pocket.....another ounce for free ...... 3 other different types of 8-balls just to try...and now 4 more untouched ounces. Time to party like a fucking madman I thought to myself. Let the party begin!