me and my shadow (part 2)

( If you havnt read part one you might want too before you read this) After coming home from hell ,(hospital) you might think that my spirits would rise. No longer did I have to deal with the rude nurses and the gloomy feeling of pain and death associated a hospital. No more smells of urine mixed with cleaning detergents and no more two inch needles being stabbed into my abdomen every morning (anti-clot) by the sadistic ,cranky little nurse on the day shift.(I swear she enjoyed it)..... No now it was a different feeling. Now I had time to absorb everything that had happened. Wave after wave of emotion ranging from depression to anxiety to rage swept through my body. Panic now had set in big time. A panic that I was about to lose everything I had built for myself and my family. Where was my morphine pump when I needed it?........ A month before my accident I had blown through a large chunk of my savings after an alcohol drenched binge I went on to drown the pain of my girlfriend of eight years leaving me. My ex was quickly diving head first into alcohol and drug addiction herself (a big part of the breakup). I knew she would be of no help and my home would soon be gone. Over the previous ten years I had built a reputation as the best home exterior contractor around. It took me a little longer than most crews but over a those ten years I never once had a callback to fix any of my work. The owners of the huge home building companys came to me to do their own personal homes. I was a very proud man............was! The doctors had informed me that I may never walk again so I guess climbing ladders, installing siding, building porches, decks, and room additions was definitely out of the question. In a split second my life as I knew it was over. I hate reality and reached for my pain pills.........................darkness...... The one constant at this time was my new girl Jenn. She amazed me with her always upbeat attitude and constant smile. Without her I don't know if I would be here telling this story. I now lived with my mother and during the first few months I was mostly bedridden. I occasionally came out to the living room to watch television ,but about an hour was all my hip could take. I was in constant pain and I soon found myself eating lortabs and percosets like they were candy. My bedside table was littered with empty pill bottles........I really need some weed! I had smoked my only joint a week earlier and amazingly it helped more than the opiates I was gorging on.( I am a firm believer in medicinal marijuana) This joint wasn't a regular joint though. It was a joint of Indiana's finest, grown from some wicked clone in a cornfield just outside town by a close friend of mine. After smoking it I found myself glued to the t.v. set watching an infomercial about some amazing vegetable juicer for about an hour and enjoying every minute of it like it was some fascinating four star movie. It made me quit thinking about my pain and it quit making me think about life in general...................But man that juicer was cool as shit!! ........ Another month or two came and went in a blur of pills mixed with an occasional rum and coke and a little weed here and there. Depression seemed to be a new constant in my life. My house was foreclosed on, I was forced to give away my best friend Zeke (the coolest pit bull in the world ), and I really missed having my kids with me.I missed them SOO much...they were the only thing holding me to my past life.. They came and stayed with me here and there but they were a little much for my mother to handle by herself along with my constant needs. After a trip to Indy to see my doctor I found that after they removed my body cast my knee was now locked in a thirty degree angle. It would not straighten out so I now had to have another procedure. I was told that I would be put to sleep for this and they pumped me full of drugs. The next thing I see is the doctor place his hands on my knee and suddenly put all his weight down on my knee as hard as he could. I could hear this horrific grinding noise and a sudden "POP".......WHAT THE FUCK MAN! IM NOT ASLEEP YET YOU DUMBASSSSSS...................................darkness!..... Its a good thing The medication put me out when it did because one more second and the doc would have had to have his own surgical procedure on his nose. My next huge hurdle came in the form of physical therapy. Just for reference if any of you out there are into sadism and putting people through the worst pain possible, this is the career for you! To this day I would rather have nails driven slowly under each one of my fingernails than go through that again. All I could do is look at these people through my horrified eyes and wonder " Do you realize I was just hit by a car? Do you understand that my screams indicate Im in agonizing pain? "and " You want me to do What??!!!"Day after day I had these demonic people bending my broken body into pretzels. I would arrive home each night ,kiss Jenn and use my new walker to quickly get to my room before anyone saw me crying like a child. During this period my doctors had increased the dosages of my painkillers but I needed something extra. The pills were no longer enough. I started drinking and taking some of Jenns xanax just to fall asleep at night. Even when I finally would get to sleep I would have these psychotic dreams all night and wake exhausted. One night after Jenn had gone home for the evening I gave my weed man Roy a call. Roy was no huge dealer but he knew them all and if you needed anything he could always find it. I informed him that I was in pain and needed a little something for the head. "Ill be right over "he said . Little did I know that this one phone call would change my life forever. About an hour later Roy and his girlfriend arrived at my home. Roy walks in with a small backpack grinning from ear to ear informing me that he had just hit the weekly drawing of $1500 at one of our favorite little bars. "Have I got something for you!" I couldn't help but notice that Roy was sweating and grinding his teeth together to the point that I wondered If he was having a heart attack. He then proceeds to pull out a small water bong out of his bag. Ive smoked from many bongs in my life but this one was different. Instead of a bowl to put the pot into he had attached a long one inch in diameter glass tube packed with copper wire (chor boy scrub pads). Roy then proceeds to pull out a spoon all blackened on the bottom and a huge bag of cocaine! I wasn't an idiot. I knew exactly what this was . In the past I had snorted cocaine with Roy a couple of times at parties and I had heard rumors that he was now smoking it. "Chris!" he says" I'm about to take all your pain away instantly" Now I had always heard of this thing called addiction but to be honest I didn't buy it at all. I was always told that weed was addictive and I had been smoking it on and off for 15 years. I never once felt that I had to have it. I just enjoyed it.! Addiction to me was a government made conspiracy to keep people from enjoying the wonderful world of drugs! Besides it wasn't like I had a lot to lose ........right? Roy then proceeds to pour about two and a half grams and some baking soda into this huge spoon and begins cooking. I thought to myself "this shit must be awesome because Roys eyes were about to pop out of his head as he intently cooked away. After cooling the spoon he pulls out his pocket knife and peels this huge clear snot looking slab of freebase off the top of the spoon and slaps it on a plate.(editors note: Ive been clean over 3 years and just writing this has my heart pounding so hard it feels like its gonna jump outa my chest.) Roy then takes a dime sized piece of this and smears it on the glass pipe. Like an artist who is proud of his masterpiece he hands it to me all the while grinning an evil grin. Roy then takes out a cotton ball ,clamps it on a pair of hemostats,and dunks it in a bottle of rubbing alcohol he had brought. "you'll need a big flame for this" he exclaims. He informs me to hit the bong slow and steady and he would control the flame and carburetor. I figured if I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this right. He lit the cotton ball and I inhaled as long and steady as I could. Ive always had huge lungs so Roy had to pop the carb twice during my cherry popping hit. Roy grins and says "oh fuck! that was huge!" He then takes the bong from my trembling hands and says "Hang on!"...........Holy sheeeeit!!!! The only way I can describe this feeling is to take the best orgasm you have ever had and and combine it with the adrenaline rush of skydiving all at once. Roy then packs his bong in his bag.he then places the $200 worth of freebase on the bed along with a smaller glass stem and says "this is for you my brother" I layed on that bed in complete disbelief of how powerful this drug was............One hit!!! One hit and my pain was no more. One hit and all my worries were gone. One hit and life as I knew it was changed forever!!!!!!!!! (next comes my introduction to the people of the night ,one of the midwests largest dealers and the insanity that followed)